i woke up crying.

I talked to Amanda about how we sometimes forget.
(We sat and I watched her eyes as we watched each other, breath knotting in our chests.
Breaths sputtering out from us).
She talked about the stretch and snap of time because sometimes things felt so close. So vivid and perfect. So immediate and devastating.
And yet somehow, so far.
Because sometimes we forget things and it's like reeling in a thread that you've let unravel over time...It has been so long.


I had a dream that I got to hold my cousin. I held onto her and she was so tangible.
But then she became this apparition in my periphery because I remembered that she was gone and it couldn't have been her. I started to cry.
This woman in my dream held a palm against my shoulder blade and asked me what was wrong and I told her, "She's here. She was right here." She looked at me softly, with her head bowed as if she already knew the answer, "Well what's wrong?"
I told her that I couldn't stop remembering. I kept remembering, again and again. Each time like the first time. She's gone.
She brought me up by the wrists and led me into the arms of my mom. my aunt. my cousin's siblings and their children. and they kept whispering to me, their words against my neck and along my face, into my ears, "It's ok now. You can let her go, we can let her go."


We talked about it and Amanda nodded with me.
(It occurs to me every once in a while that I am bound to her. A promise was made in that space, a year ago, when she let me sob with my knees buckled beneath me, as she cried into her palms with her back against the door).
She nodded and knew that sometimes we forget. Sometimes that hurts us more.

Past Tense Cool

I'm inventing a phrase, "Past Tense Cool."
This is the point in your life when you realize you have stopped being (presently) cool and instead spend all your time convincing people (yourself?) that you were once cool at all.
I found an awesome 2 year old mixtape on my hard-drive earlier this week and when I realized that I made it, I gave past me a time-travelling high five.

Then I paused to think about how lame I've gotten, slumped my shoulders and sniffled into my sleeves a little bit.

I trimmed out one or two songs, but other than that, the mix has held up. Actually, it has been a pretty satisfying listen. Vampire Weekend's "Campus" and Rilo Kiley's "Give A Little Love" has had the benefit of time to air them out. Similar to how since high school (or summer camp or whenever you had your budding teenage awkward years), time has given you perspective...Or not, I don't know, maybe you're still bitter and that's ok too. The point is that enough time has passed where the tracks are no longer overplayed. They're no longer sullied by the hype beast where in the span of a month, a song goes from being Your JAM! to I am so sick of this shit! (Did you see how hard I had to stretch for lexicon there? I'm telling you, Past Tense Cool). Now you can enjoy the tracks with freshened ears and a hint of nostalgia.

Really, the best part of rediscovering this mixtape was that it brought four tracks back into my life after being gone for way too long.

Track 06: Wintersleep - "Weighty Ghost (Radio Mix)"

I remember loving this track and how it echoed touches of Wolf Parade's "I'll Believe in Anything," and Rogue Wave's "Bird on a Wire." The sound and story it tells has a bit of a restless saunter, this dance of slackened limbs, flailing but joyous. Because maybe it's about death...but maybe it's also about remembering how to live. We trudge accordingly and take for granted. Drag our feet, faces cast downward. The walking dead? Your souls become apparitions and sneak away from you.

But you have to remember how to pick your head up. To smile at somebody, at yourself. Remind the little ghost in you how to dance. Make that ghost happy then give that ghost a home.


Track 07: The Afghan Whigs - "Lost in the Supermarket (The Clash Cover)"

My interest in The Afghan Whigs has its wrinkles. On the one hand, I'm a little embarrassed with how 90's they are (my constant reconciliation over 90's music is a story onto itself)...But on the other hand, The Afghan Whigs boast some grizzly and sumptuous covers. I mean, Goddamn if their rendition of TLC's "Creep" isn't pitch fucking perfect.

And on the opposite side of that token, you have a cover like "Lost in the Supermarket."

The Clash's original is quintessential punk. It's tongue-and-cheek swagger hides all the nasty smack talk.It's a sideways smirk at fucking!consumerism and mindlessness. We expect everyone except ourselves to ascribe / approve / validate our own identities. The Clash knew what was up, fuckers.

But The Afghan Whigs takes that commentary further, makes it personal. Dulli weaves in the harmonies and warbling guitar to pick at something deeper. "I wasn't born so much as I fell out. No one to notice me." He puts the emphasis on the 'lost.' We are not just 20-somethings and teenagers, straggling in aisles, looking for our pre-packaged (guaranteed) personalities. We're infants. We're brand new babies, staring up into the fluorescent lighting. All lost.

Bonus Tangent:

Do you want to know how I prove myself as a legitimate fan of The Clash?
I don't own a "vintage" Clash t-shirt and I don't need to. I enjoy their music, end story.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with sporting their merch but I've only encountered two types of folk who do:

1. Jokers that use them as a reference point for their own hipness despite never having listened to them. (Except for, ok, that one streak of time when iPods and iTunes hit the market and VH1 started doing those retrospectives and "London Calling" was everywhere).
2. Jokers who spout pretension out the ass on the motherfucking glory that is The Clash.

And to the both of you I say, Dude, that's not even what it's supposed to be about.


Track 08: Sean Hayes - "Calling All Cars"

! I don't remember the specifics as to how I stumbled upon this track, but I'm positive there were benevolent deities, outstretched from the heavens involved.

These are the two things you need to know about this song (I'm really putting lists to use this post):

1. This Sean Hayes has nothing to do with actor Sean Hayes. Better known as (Just) Jack from TV show Will & Grace.
2. I do not exaggerate when I say that I am Smitten with this song.

I know I'm smitten quite often on this blog, what can I say, I'm easily endeared. But this song takes the cake. As soon as I hear those opening plucks of the guitar, I'm inundated with the smell of clean clothes and the image of a T-Rex t-shirt and the loveofmylife and little smiles and tousled hair and being helplessly charmed because it's morning and the weekend and you're cute and I'm swooning for hours. I don't even care that it's a mirage. Best. Mirage. Ever.


Track 09: Denison Witmer - "Are You Lonely?"

I've actually blogged about this exact song before, so I'm not going to say much other than it's gorgeous. And if you honestly do not like it, lie straight to my face, because you will break my heart. I love this song.



Full Tracklist:

01. Spoon - "Don't You Evah"
02. Vampire Weekend - "Campus"
03. Pixies - "Dig for Fire" *This is actually my favorite Pixies song
04. Rilo Kiley - "Give a Little Love"
05. Iron and Wine - "Boy with a Coin"
06. Wintersleep - "Weighty Ghost (Radio Mix)"
07. The Afghan Whigs - "Lost in the Supermarket (The Clash Cover)"
08. Sean Hayes - "Calling All Cars"
09. Denison Witmer - "Are You Lonely?"
10. D'Angelo and Lauryn Hill - "Nothing Even Matters"
11. John West - "Loved You Tonight"
12. Canefield Hero - "Lets Go"
13. Sarah Blasko - "Don't Dream it's Over (Crowded House Cover)"
14. Sleeping States - "The Sleeping States, or Who Has Been Rocking My Dreamboat?"
15. The String Quartet Tribute - "Screaming Infidelities (Dashboard Confessional Cover)"


Download Link: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=5IQUNFY6


God, actually, thinking about it now, each of these songs kind of personify the trajectory of my 20's...Slightly restless, slightly hopeless, impatient without really knowing what I'm anticipating, stretched thin over wanting to be settled and stable and wanting to enjoy everythingeverythingeverything while I still can.
Actually, thinking about it now, I might have just personified Portland.